The Emperor's New Clothes

First published in Man of Trent, Launderette Publications 2003

Once upon a time in a far off land, there lived an evil Emperor. He was renowned amongst his own people and all over the world as a cruel man. His regime was one of oppression and torture and it was said that he even involved himself in maiming and dismembering the political prisoners who had really offended him. Over the sea, in another far away palace, the President said:

‘The man is a danger.’

His people agreed. ‘We should nuke the shit out of him,’ some of them said.

So the president and his advisors hatched a plan, a big, fat Brontosaurus of a plan that thumped its way out of its cracked shell and said hello to the world with a cartoon grin. The president made an announcement to his people.

‘The Emperor has some new clothes,’ he said.

The Emperor heard this and was surprised. He was well practised at fielding accusations from across the sea and had set in place procedures to automatically deny whatever was said. All at once, his press office released a counter announcement.

‘The Emperor has no new clothes. The Emperor’s wardrobe has remained unchanged for many years.’

This missive was sent and spread before the Emperor had time to comment himself, although what he really thought was ‘Why is it their business that I have new clothes?’ and ‘Look at the wardrobe the President has been building.’

Time passed and the whispers grew louder. Not only did the emperor have new clothes but he had new shoes too, a coat, slippers. Not only did he have a coat and slippers, but he had a smoking jacket. What’s more, he was allowing the underground fundamentalist rebels to borrow his smoking jacket and his slippers. They were in fashion league together.

The Emperor laughed. He made only one comment to the cameras and the Newsmen.

‘Look at me. I’m naked,’ he said.

And over the seas the President spoke to his people and said, ‘The Emperor claims to be naked. But he is clearly wearing new clothes. We have evidence, we have intelligence. The man has nearly as many clothes as we do and does not know how to wear them. He will look ridiculous. He is a danger.’

The Emperor spoke to his advisors and realised the situation was very bad. They told him that there was only one way to resolve this issue.

‘You must have a parade and show them you are naked,’ they told him. This left him with just one problem; what to do with his clothes.

‘But you are naked,’ said his chief advisor.

The Emperor looked down at his body and realised that his chief advisor was correct. He was naked. He rewarded his chief advisor with a thousand treasures and went on parade.

The Emperor had a great jewelled coach prepared for his parade, set with emeralds and diamonds and more gold of a better quality than you ever could imagine. In the centre of the coach he sat, naked, while it was pulled by a dozen white mares with jewelled saddles and jewelled hooves.

The president came to the parade dressed as a little boy in rags. He watched and watched until someone in the crowd spoke to him. They argued, and the man hit him very hard and knocked him down. The President picked himself up and brushed himself down. He glared at the peasant who had hit him.

‘You hurt me,’ the President said. But the peasant just smiled and ran away into the crowd. The President was angry that he had been hit so hard by the peasant man and so he stood at his full height and held up his arm.

‘The Emperor is wearing clothes,’ he shouted.

People in the crowd looked from the Emperor to the President and back again. The President crouched into his rags again so that he looked like a little boy. The people in the crowd focused and squinted and after a while, they realised that the Emperor was wearing clothes.

‘What kind of clothes is he wearing?’ they whispered to each other.

‘He’s wearing slippers and a smoking jacket,’ the President told them.

A gasp started around the President and spread slowly through the crowd. And there were more whispers, winding through the crowd like a venomous snake. Hardly noticed.

‘Jewelled slippers!’

‘A smoking jacket!’

Then, all at once, a real young boy piped up from the crowd.

‘Excuse me,’ he said.

At first no-one heard him. At least, if they did, they ignored him.

‘Excuse me,’ he said again. He repeated these words until he had the attention of all the people he could see.

‘The Emperor is not naked. The Emperor is not wearing jewelled slippers and a smoking jacket. He is wearing rags and his feet are bare.’

The people looked again at the Emperor and saw that the boy spoke the truth. ‘How could we be so blind?’ they asked each other. But the boy had not finished.

‘But you’re missing the point,’ he told them. ‘You’re all so busy focusing on the clothes the Emperor is or is not wearing. But have you seen the coach he’s travelling in? Have you seen the horses that are pulling it?’